Because sometimes the Tuesday 10 goes to XI…
This week, in honor of the Fourth of July, we present to you our Real American Hero team, featuring a range of players that make the U.S. of A. great. They’re lined up in a Christmas tree formation, the better to take advantage of the plethora of hard working midfielders in the side.
GK – Abraham Lincoln — The first member of our $177.06 defense. He has the length, theforesight, and the courage to hold the team together in its hours of need.
LB – Ulysses S. Grant — Draws criticism for being too aggressive, but when push comes to shove he gets the job done when no one else can.
CB – Benjamin Franklin — Has his share of turkeys, but the wizened veteran is full of sage advice for the rest of our squad.
CB – Andrew Jackson — Tough as old hickory wood on the playing field.
RB – Thomas Jefferson — Contributing his $2.05 to the team is our footballing polymath. He’s equally comfortable in midfield or on the back line.
DM – Hulk Hogan — Less Real American Hero, more Real American. If you thought Pepe was physical in the center of the midfield, wait ‘til you get a load of this guy.
LM – G.I. Joe — Here’s the Real American Hero. Our can-do, do-all utility midfielder. He can fill any position on the pitch in a pinch.
RM – Indiana Jones — Like Clint Dempsey, Jones’ number one attribute as a player is his copious testicular fortitude.
AM – Angus MacGyver — Our attacking midfield embodies two traits we Americans value highly, innovation and athleticism. Young Angus has only recently replaced the aging Thomas Edison as the creative force in the midfield, but he’s already shown an incredible capacity for creating goals out of nothing. Plus, he has a cool theme song, and if there’s one thing you need to survive on this team, it’s a cool theme song.
AM – Jesse Owens — Owens, on the other hand, provides the freakish physical tools, and with Jones and Joe gives us a Nazi-fighting trifecta.
CF – George Washington —
Could there be a better American striker? A natural leader with a good cross in him. Plus, he’s 6’8” and weighs a f*cking ton.