The Tuesday Ten

Beating Barça Edition

Not pictured: Him tapping the tips of his fingers together and/or petting a white cat.

Don’t sweat yet another defeat in the biggest game on Earth, Mr. Mourinho. We’ve got ten ideas for how to win the return leg that will appeal to your evil genius side.

1. Get Carvalho back and once again play Pepe as a rearmost midfield destroyer, hoping his physicality can throw off the Barca rhythm just as Real’s pressing did in the opening minutes.

He needs your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle.

2. Travel backwards in time to kill Lionel Messi before he ever got his tiny little legs injected with growth hormone. Watch out in case they send Carles Puyol back to protect him.

3. Maybe have someone, you know, follow the world’s best player into midfield so he doesn’t have so much time on the ball.

4. Hijack the Barcelona team plane, and demand that they release the European Cup or you’ll begin killing hostages. Be sure to check that Pep Guardiola doesn’t stow away while they’re trying to evacuate him and thwart your plans.

Whyyyyy? Whyyyyyy? Whyyyyy?

5. Sign all of Getafe as your B squad. They seem to have this figured out.

6. Instruct your players to defeat then replicate their programming onto the genetic code of every non-Barcelona player on the planet, so that the April Clasico looks something like this. 

7. Pull a Tonya Harding on Dani Alves.

8. Go further back in time and keep Johan Cruyff’s parents from ever falling in love by seducing his mother, preventing him from ever instilling in Barcelona his tenets of Total Football. Make sure that he doesn’t thwart you with the power of Chuck Berry, or that you don’t accidentally become his father.

One Indiana Jones = Three Barça midfielders

9. Take the metaphor a step further by actually driving your bus onto the Camp Nou field.

10. Nuke the Barcelona training complex in March. Careful though, they could probably fit Xavi, Iniesta and Fabregas all in one fridge.

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