We here at The Other 87 get a lot of fan mail, and until this week we’ve been nervously stuffing it in the freezer like Andy from Parks and Recreation. But now that we’re pretty certain that our parents aren’t the only people following this blog (Hi Aunt Alison!) we owe it to you, our readers, to answer the questions you thought only we could answer. I’m channeling Sally Field here…You like us! You really like us!
Okay, the truth is we don’t get any fan mail. In fact, the only mail we’ve received was a crumpled piece of notebook paper with a wad of spit inside, signed “I hate you.” But we’re not going to let that bother us. Instead, today’s feature is an exercise in self-delusion. We scoured through all the search queries that led to our site and picked our absolute favorites (basically, anything that wasn’t a search for Ivan Drago or Fergie). While the names and places are fictionalized, each question below is an honest-to-God unedited Google referral.
Without further ado, the O87 Mailbag.
How long can you pick up soccer?
-Oliver Cary, Southport, Australia
O87: That depends…How strong are your arms? Ha.
Why do hipsters like Arsenal?
-Charlotte Dyer, London, England
O87: Wes spoke on hipsterism in soccer a few months back. In his words, “Hipsters thrive off knowing arcane information.” And what better way to dive into soccer esoterica than supporting a club whose crest has some drab yet deeply convoluted backstory? We imagine the prospect of being versed in historical cannonry – while sporting a spandex pocket tee from American Apparel – registers too high on the Iron-O-Meter for hipsters to pass up.
-Michael Evatt, Oregon, USA
O87: They’re the worst! Especially the surfers!
Is Sergio Busquets gay?
-Esteban de Macedo, Tarragona, Spain
O87: We honestly have no idea. But unlike diving, we believe homosexuality is not a choice. So we would support him no matter what!
Will John Harkes coach Denver MLS?
-Don Darkes, California, USA
O87: No, John, you won’t. And quit Googling yourself.
What Americans think of David Beckham?
-Scott Duncan, Norwich, England
O87: Well, that depends on who you ask. There are two camps at play. The first, comprised of American soccer aficionados, has a love-hate relationship with Becks. They love that he knows how to cross a ball, they hate that he’s as fickle about his tenure as Dennis the bus driver in Spice World. The other camp – those that don’t give two licks about soccer – think that David Beckham is an obscure film actor, and most likely believe “Bend It Like Beckham” is a Spike Jonze meta-homage a la “Being John Malkovich.”
Footballers great butts.
-Marie Drescher, Hanover, Germany
O87: Great butts, indeed.
Something is biting me at night.
-Kristjan Andresson, Reykjavik, Iceland
O87: Is it a burning desire to see Chelsea crash out of the Champions League? Is it an undying ambition to bring soccer in Iceland to the next level? Is it a lifelong dream of seeing a World Cup final? No? It’s probably spiders. (Try climbing your bedroom wall.)
What qualities of a player are considered for Ballon d’Or?
-Xiong Chiu, Tianjin, China
O87: Most people don’t know this, but the Ballon d’Or is actually scored on a set of quantifiable criteria. (The votes are just for show.) Players are awarded points in three categories: Messianity, Iniestability, and Xavism.
Ninja football tomorrow what team are we doing?
-Sarutobi Sasuke, Osaka, Japan
O87: We love ninja questions! Since we get asked this question a lot here at The Other 87, we’ll just post a schedule for the rest of the month:
Dec. 17, 7pm: Miyagi Marauders, Field 3
Dec. 24, 8pm: FC Bloodsport, Field 3
Dec. 30, 6pm: Eleven Samurai, Field 4
Refreshments will be provided as usual. Don’t forget to bring shinpads. And shuriken.