Bowl Season Edition
To our mind, the only thing wrong with the Champions League is its outmoded method of determining the best of the final 16 teams through a two-legged, single-elimination knockout tournament. Far superior is a method we’ve developed here in America: Using complicated algorithms and the arbitrary opinions of a tiny subset of people to determine who the real champion is. Luckily, UEFA has us around to apply this method to its premier competition. Today we bring you the Champions League Bowl Series.
1. Champions League Championship Game: Barcelona vs. Real Madrid
A rematch? In the championship game? Are we crazy? Possibly, but you’d have a tough time making a case for another team as superior to either of these two. With this much offensive firepower on the field at one time, the game might even finish 9-6.
2. European Cup Bowl: AC Milan vs. Chelsea
This Great Uncle of Them All always matches up the champions from England and Italy. Unfortunately, one of those teams ended up ineligible, so the game had to reach and take Chelsea.
3. Beckenbauerbowl: Bayern Munich vs. Inter
Like any good bowl system, our formulas favor interesting rematches from years prior. That the Beckenbauerbowl grabs Bayern is just an added bonus.
4. Cruyff Bowl: Arsenal vs. Napoli
A fascinating clash of styles manufactured by our selection committee. Arsenal overcame Udinese, but can they pull a similar feat against Napoli’s three-pronged counterattack?
5. Maldini Bowl: Benfica vs. CSKA Moscow
With both Milan teams off the board, the Maldini Bowl gets stuck with an unappealing matchup between two teams with fanbases who will have quite a ways to travel to watch the game. Plenty of cheap tickets are likely to be available for this one.
6. Di Stefano Bowl: Zenit vs. Marseille
A clash of teams on opposite trajectories, Zenit on top of their league, Marseille closer to the tenth place team than the first.
7. Platini Bowl: Lyon vs. Bayer Leverkusen
When in doubt, we select for historical drama that our announcers can hype during the game.
8. Diego Maradona’s £10,000 Bidet Bowl: APOEL vs. Basel
And a pair of extra, bonus bowls:
9. Best Bowl: Manchester United vs. Borussia Dortmund
Winners of their leagues last year, narrowly in second this year, early flame-outs in the big one. A perfect match-up for one of our bonus bowls.
10. Blatter Bowl: Juventus vs. Dynamo Kiev
A fitting matchup between a pair of teams who have faced sanctions in the recent past.