Republican Candidate XI
As you might have heard, there’s some kind of election-thing going on today (We hear it may be important or something). In honor of those brave Iowans who are secluding themselves in small rooms everywhere to argue about which candidate to cast their lot with and the overly influential sway they hold on the whole thing we bring you this, a squad made up of Republican candidates for the 2012 presidential nomination, past and present. The formation is a bit…unusual, but the primaries are never about balance anyway.
GK – Donald Trump – Unfortunately, the owner of our squad is one of those annoying megalomaniacs who forces the coach to insert him into the starting lineup.
RB – Herman Cain – Got pretty used to back-tracking and spending time on the defensive there in the end.
RWB – Rick Santorum – Covers the most ground out of anyone on the team. Unfortunately, he never seems to do anything but run around.
RDM – Michelle Bachmann – So positionally rigid, she hasn’t moved during a game for three years.
CM – Ron Paul – Never seems to get credit for his contributions in the center of the park, unless you count the vocal minority of people who spend all their free time making absolutely sure that everyone hears about how he never seems to get credit for his contributions in the center of the park.
RM – Tim Pawlenty – No wonder this team sometimes looks like it’s only playing with 10.
Right Carrilero – Rick Perry – A promising grab for our first team, but he’s struggled to replicate his form from the lower leagues on the big stage.
RAM – Newt Gingrich – Like Giggs and Friedel, we can’t believe he’s still playing either.
W – Mitt Romney – Our cagey veteran, glad to pop up on either flank, wherever he can do the least amount of damage.
CF – Jon Huntsman – Does a good job getting into scoring positions in front of goal, but not even his teammates are paying any attention to him.
RW – Marco Rubio – Though he only expected to get a game if somebody died or something, when Chris Christie failed to show up, we had to put him in.