The Tuesday Ten: If the UCL Final was the Super Bowl Edition

What if the Champions League final were treated with the same
reverance as the Super Bowl… Here are ten phenomena guaranteed to
occur.

Commercials:

1. David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham David
Beckham David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham Tom
Brady in his underwear David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham David
Beckham Avengers trailer David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham
Ricky Gervais in his underwear? David Beckham David Beckham David
Beckham David Beckham David Beckham.

2. Adidas jumps the shark with a tasteless ad mixing the economic
crisis in Greece with a Donald Trump 1% ad for his third party ticket
run for President. An incredibly confused Adidas executive claims that
their ad space was hacked by a combination of Occupy Wall Street, Julian
Assange, Malcolm X, and FARC.

3. We’ve written thousands of words about soccer commercials before,
but for this we’ll keep it simple: Messi and Ronaldo, playing for a
Big Mac.

4. Heineken takes a leaf out of Budweiser’s book and creates a super
nostalgic commercial featuring beefeaters playing a good ole fashioned
game of soccer against each other. Think the Clydesdale football
commercial meets the Royal Wedding, with a dash of UFC thrown in.
Cameos by Vinnie Jones, Prince Harry, David Beckham, Wayne Rooney,
and, of course, Paul Scholes.

Alternative programming:

5. The Puppy Bowl won’t do for the UCL final, puppies are too American
— boisterous, adorable, and liable to make a mess if you leave them
inside too long. For a more  European flavor, we suggest one of Fox
Football, Vole Voetbaal, or Sheep Soccer, with a Hare Half-Time show.

6. You can be sure President Blatter is devoting all his resources
towards the creation of a Lingerie Football Game during halftime. On
that note, tomorrow our guest writer will tear him a new one.

Halftime entertainment:

7. Ravi Shankhar headlines with special guest Eric Cantona on trumpet.
Shakira shakes her rumpus to some sort of salsa-inspired dance with
Gerard Pique (taking a break from Pep’s halftime talk). Dancers
include Ronaldinho, Robinho, Pele, Ronaldo, and Luis Fabiano.

8. There’s a million dollar post challenge sponsored by Heineken. One
lucky contestant will have the chance to win the money by having ten
kicks of the ball to hit both posts and the crossbar, blindfolded,
from the halfway line. No one expects the contestant to win, but
Heineken has jovially promised each attendent to the UCL final a
six-pack if he or she succeeds.

Pre-game festivities:

9. A six-hour pre-game featuring the analysis of Michal Cox, Luke
Moore, Roberto Martinez, Gary Neville, Andy Gray, and that linesman he
really egregiously made fun of. No one watches, and yet the BBC spends
hundreds of thousands of dollars to use CNN holograph technology to
beam in Zinadine Zidane.

10. A UCL parade. The master of ceremonies is the same every year:
Sepp Blatter, in various shades of nakedness, depending on when the
ceremony is. Later in the day, the drunker he is. See, there’s a
private member’s only bacchanalia the morning of the final, the guest
list of which is set entirely by Sepp Blatter. Usually a few lingerie
models and an entirely clueless Robbie Savage show up.

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