Our mission has always been to provide you the most up-to-date, in-depth, straight-from-the-horse’s-mouth soccer news. In an attempt to bring you ever closer to that ineffable something that motivates an athlete to don the kit of their club or national team every match-day, we’ve come up with a hard-hitting list of questions we’ll (in theory) submit to a player of the highest quality. The goal being, of course, to penetrate into their inner psyche and apply a vicious two-footed tackle to the barrier that is inevitably raised between player and fan.
This week, what with the busy domestic schedule of most everyone in Europe, we’ve had to settle for a fledgling soccer fan who’s been bugging us for months to interview him. Without further ado, ladies and gents, Dwight Shrute.
O87: Dwight… To be honest, we never pegged you for much other than a prolific office supplies salesman and moonlighting beet farmer. When did you first get into soccer.
DS: Like most of middle middle class America, it was the World Cup 2010 in … somewhere in Africa … that really caused me to take notice. That and my brief stint as assistant to the regional manager Charles Minor, who nursed, among other things, a healthy love for soccer.
O87: What team do you support?
DS: America, idiot.
O87: OK… Any club teams?
DS: Supporting a club team is for the weak and unpatriotic. Footballers should play for their country and their country only. To not do so would be to pollute the purity of the game and sully America’s international reputation. If I were president, I’d first abolish all professional sports, appoint myself Minister of Sports, and then create a Olympic training program based on the Soviet Model. Our ultimate goal would be to win every single medal at the 2016 Olympics, with 3,000 Ivan Drago clones… If you were to put a Bowie knife to my neck, I suppose I’d choose the Philadelphia Union. Unless the University of Scranton soccer team counts as a club team.
DS: Who? A Frenchie? Didn’t know we let sissies play professional sports.
O87: That’s rather offensive.
DS: Oh, get over yourself.
O87: Let’s move on.
DS: Fact! We bailed the French out of at least ten wars and probably more that I haven’t read about. What’s the difference between a Frenchman and a bucket of crap?
O87: Do I really have to answer this?
DS: The bucket. Next question.
O87: [sighs] Does anyone else at Dunder Mifflin share your love of soccer?
DS: I haven’t really thought about that before. Let’s see. Andy wouldn’t know a counter kick if it hit him in the face; Erin doesn’t know any other game than hide and seek; I imagine Oscar loves soccer more than I do, because he’s … ; uh, Stanley is too old and fat; same for Phyllis and Meredith; Angela, Pam, and Kelly are women; Darryl probably only follows basketball. So yeah. Me and Oscar.
O87: What about Jim?
O87: Jim Halpert? Come on.
O87: Who is your favorite player of all time?
DS: Hulk Hogan played soccer for a while, right? Or was it John Kruk? I don’t know. Some guy, Moradonele?
O87: Sounds like you’ve done your research.
DS: I told you, all I care about is American soccer.
O87: OK, so who is your favorite American player of all time?
DS: John Harkes, without question.
O87: John Harkes? Not Alexi? Landon? Clint? Cobi Jones?
DS: John Harkes was the first American to play in the Premier League, idiot. I also have a penchant for his color commentary. He makes it feel like you’re right there, looking out over the green grass and the hash marks and the cheerleaders.
O87: [mutters]: He makes you feel something.
DS: What was that?
DS: John Harkes is unquestionably the best soccer talent this country has ever produced! If you insult him, I’d have no other recourse other than to take it as an insult to me. You don’t want to know how many weapons I currently have within reach.
O87: Easy. I’m not looking for trouble.
DS: That’s what I thought. I just got back from a karate tournament where I won third place in kitana swordplay.
DS: Why certainly. I have a question for you, actually. Why do you call your blog The Other 87? Sounds like an idiot’s idea of a good blog name.
O87: Well, you see…
DS: Actually, I don’t care. Look, I have to meet Mose for dwarf-tossing practice. There’s a Renaissance Fair in the Lackawanna County Park this weekend. We’re winning the Royal Flagon, or else.
O87: Or else what?
DS: Or else there won’t be a Royal Flagon next year…
O87: Okay…. Alright… Well good luck with that… Thanks Dwight.