We here at The Other 87 get a lot of fan mail, and until recently we’ve been nervously stuffing it in the freezer like Andy from Parks and Recreation. But now that we’re pretty certain our parents aren’t the only people following this blog (Hi honey!) we owe it to you, our readers, to answer the questions you thought only we could answer. I’m channeling Sally Field here…You like us! You really like us!
Okay, the truth is we don’t get any fan mail. But we’re not going to let that bother us. Instead, today’s feature is an exercise in self-delusion. We scoured all the search queries that led to our site and picked our absolute favorites (basically, anything that wasn’t a search for Ivan Drago or Fergie, not that there’s anything wrong with searching for Ivan Drago). While the names and places are fictionalized, each question below is an honest-to-God unedited Google referral.
Without further ado, the O87 Mailbag. Oh, and if you wanna email us questions in the future, hit us up at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Has Clint Dempsey ever cheated?
-Jeff Warner, Texas, USA
It pains us to admit this, but the Dempster has indeed cheated in the past. He used dynamite on a steel leader to catch an 8lb largemouth last April. Sorry folks.
What is the geus or estimatioo to win the macth Napoli vs chelse?
-Bertie Lawson, London, England
In my estimatioo, your geus is as good as mine.
5 layer beefy burrito worst thing for you?
-Randal Pierce, California, USA
Given its mouthwatering mix of seasoned ground beef, melted cheese, hearty refried beans, and cool sour cream, I’d be tempted to say the Beefy 5-Layer is actually the best thing for you. But when you consider this half-pound tortilla-wrapped canon of ecstasy is barely a dollar, you realize it’s probably just the best thing ever. No, the “worst thing for you” is hiring Amara Traore as a coach.
Demba Ba angry.
-Demba Ba, Dakar, Senegal
We know you are, Demba. But you’re not going to find any answers on our blog. The fact is, Senegal crashed out of the ACN in spectacular fashion, Newcastle aren’t going to qualify for Champions League, and you get mistaken for Junior from Cool Runnings in public. But put it in perspective – at least you don’t play for Arsenal.
Rodents of unusual size? I don’t think they exist.
-Westley, Fire Swamp
Look behind you!!!
Landon Donovan learned to play from Hispanics?
-Jeb Calvin, Illinois, USA
We imagine growing up in California, one probably runs into a few Hispanic and Latino Americans on the soccer pitch, but we can’t say for sure if this is true. We like to think he honed his skills kicking balls around on the beach with Mr. Miyagi, or maybe surfing around with his brother and Rob Schneider in the fictional land of Patusan…but then we remembered that Landon’s a soccer player and not a ninja in training.
Messi f**k c.ronaldo.
-Fernando Barros, Braga, Portugal
Cristiano Ronaldo f**k messi.
-Gil Medina, Tarragona, Spain
Sorry for this Andy Gray moment, folks. We’re not quite sure how these comments passed our O87 censors, but we’ll look into it.
6 point comb rooster.
-Parker Wescott, Vancouver, Canada
This is either a skateboard combo or a blue-ribbon livestock state fair entry. Either way, we’re pretty sure it’s impressive.
Is Messi humble?
-Murat Aslan, Istanbul, Turkey
Absolutely. The guy is all class. In his own words: “Humble? Me? Of course. I am the most humble player in the world, bar none. If there were a contest to determine the most humble person, I would win first, second, and third place. I don’t get nearly enough recognition for my humbleness. I want this on record: When it comes to humble, I am number one.” Ahem. Paraphrased, of course.
How to draw Messi?
-Kyo Matsuoka, Osaka, Japan
Ah, another Messi question. This one’s easy, and we’re not even artists. The important thing here is perspective (making objects in the foreground larger than objects in the background). If Messi is in the foreground picking the ball out of the net, for example, the opposing XI should be much smaller by comparison as they stand flabbergasted some 40 yards behind.
Best winning goal ekspression?
-Eugene Wallace, Florida, USA
Whew! This is definitely a matter of personal preference, but we have a few favorites. For starters, there’s Peter Crouch’s renowned robbot. Ronaldinho’s samba dans is always a nice one, too, as is Nani’s bak flip. Henry made the fisst pump famous. Craig Bellamy sometimes simulates a galf sweeng, and Del Piero sticks out his tung. What are your favorite winning goal ekspressions, readers?
Finally, we’d like to answer some questions from our international readers. We’re glad to know we have fans all across the globe!
-Fahim Amjad, Doha, Qatar
انه أفضل لاعب على هذا الكوكب!
-Yasha Petrov, Moscow, Russia
он лучший тренер в мире!