The Tuesday Ten: Harkes on History Part Deux

You didn’t think it’d be that simple, did you? That we’d be rid of him so easily, that the break would be so complete, that he wouldn’t return in a new, improved, ultimate form to wreak havoc once again, at least across the Washington D.C. metro area. This spring, John Harkes made good on the words of another famous Terminator, and he is indeed back, calling D.C.United games for Comcast along with Dave Johnson.

That’s good news for us, because it gives us a chance to revisit one of our favorite Tuesday Ten ideas. This is Harkes on History, Part Deux.

2,345 B.C.: Noah’s Ark launches
I don’t understand it, Dave. You’ve got limited space in the Ark, why do you go with two of everything? Two zebras, two lions, two giraffes…The key to success is versatility, Dave, and Noah just doesn’t have that. Sometimes late in the game it’s a good idea to bring on a Tyrannosaurus Rex, you know what I mean?

"These Spartans have a rock-hard backline, Dave."

480 B.C.: Battle of Thermopylae
I mean, you’re right, Dave, the Spartans have done well at keeping their shape. But at a certain point, you’ve got to throw caution to the wind and try to get some forward push. You can’t park the bus for two days and expect for an army as talented as the Persians not to break through.

1066 A.D.: Battle of Hastings.
Well Dave, you can’t take over a country by force without winning at least one battle, and to do that you’ve got to kill more than the other guy. If William keeps this performance up, someone’s going to come up with a really great nickname for him.

1492 A.D.: Columbus lands in America.
Wow, what an achievement, Dave. The first man ever to set foot on this whole new continent. The leadership he displayed in getting his men here, and the diplomacy in dealing with this whole new population, I just can’t say enough about him. Where would MLS be without Christopher Columbus?

"I bet Jesus was more of a meat and potatoes guy, Dave."

1498 A.D.: Leonardo da Vinci finishes the Last Supper.
I don’t really agree with what da Vinci’s done here, Dave. Jesus Christ, one of the big names in all of history, is having his final meal with twelve of his closest friends here. Does Leo really think all they had there was some bread and some wine? He should paint some burgers in there. I’d bet they had burgers.

1588 A.D.: Defeat of the Spanish Armada.
It’s a tough loss to swallow, but they’ll be back, Dave. The Spanish are too resilient not to get over this one. Soon we’ll all be able to say that the sun never sets on the Spanish empire.

1777 A.D.: Drafting of the Articles of Confederation.
I’ve got to say, Dave, the Founders have outdone themselves here. They know the American people don’t want to live under a strong central authority, and they’ve drafted a magnificent document that’s going to allow the individuality of the states to shine through.

July 3, 1863: Battle of Gettysburg.
This is more like it from Lee, Dave. He must have seen the Battle of Thermopylae earlier this season. He knows he can’t hold up against the Union forever, so he’s taking the initiative and ordering General Pickett to counterattack down the center. A great strategic move.

"I believe he got the idea after flying a kite in a thunderstorm, Dave."

Oct. 22, 1879: First successful test of Edison’s electric light bulb.
I love this Dave. The light bulb is going to be huge. It’s a brilliant idea, just absolutely brilliant, you know, like a light bulb should be. This little light of Edison’s? I’m going to let it shine.

August 29, 1997: Skynet becomes self-aware.
I don’t understand what all the fuss is about, Dave. When I was playing, we didn’t need an artificial intelligence system in charge of our stealth bombers and nuclear arsenal. I’m sure they’ll just pull the plug on it and that will be that.

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1 Response to The Tuesday Ten: Harkes on History Part Deux

  1. hansh says:

    …I’ve never been so happy that I’m not a D.C. United fan.

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