Tuesday Ten

When Villarreal gets relegated, they'll operate submarine service to the island.

The apocalypse is nigh for Jose Mourinho and his band of merry men. Just a few short weeks after amassing a double-digit lead in La Liga, Madrid have seen their lead reduced to just six points – with a clasico left to play in the Nou Camp. Mou is no doubt sweating bullets and wondering whether Perez will give him the axe – perhaps literally – if he doesn’t produce more than bus-dented silverware this term. So like any forward-thinking mad genius, the Madrid boss has built a fortress of evil on an island somewhere in the ocean. When the media caught wind of his plans, Mourinho covered his tracks. “Heh. Heh heh. Evil fortress? No. This? No no. This is magnificent resort. I think this is most special resort in sea.” With that, he cancelled his press conferences and jetted off to hide his true intentions. What’s left is, ostensibly, a Blancos-themed amusement park. We preview several of the attractions in this week’s Tuesday 10.

The Florentino Freefall – Not for the acrophobic! Strap into a special bucket seat, withdraw millions from your personal account, and our special bungee contraption will slowly carry you 300 feet in the air for a gorgeous view of the resort. Then, experience the thrill of defying death as your seat is released in freefall – gravity does the rest! Your cash will fly all over the island, indiscriminately, but not without giving you the rush you crave. No pacemakers.

The Bearded Lady – Don’t forget to visit our Tent of Wonders, where the star of the show is Iker Casillas, the Bearded Lady. He’ll dazzle you with facial hair so unkempt that only a Portland-based indie frontman could challenge him for most brooding face on earth.

The Ricky Kaka Experience – One of our most popular rollercoasters, although it only reaches one peak! Encounter bone-chilling heights in the Ricky Kaka Experience. As you slowly climb to the top, you’ll see Madrid Island ahead of you. Enjoy the breathtaking view! From there, it’s all downhill. What a wild ride!

Pepe’s Stomp Stomp Revolution – Come by and win prizes in the arcade room. Get there early if you don’t want to wait in line for Stomp Stomp Revolution, our take on Dance Dance Revolution, the gaming phenomenon in which kids shuffle their feet to arrows flowing across the screen. In our take, you’re stepping on Barcelona body parts! Try the hot new track Copa del Rey, but be careful, some of the combinations are tricky (practice the Messi foot/Pique arm/Messi foot at home). If you get a red card, the game ends, but you can still win bonus points yelling at the ref.

Poke-a-Tito – You’ve heard of Whack-a-Mole, but we think that cushioned mallet is a little too forgiving. In Poke-a-Tito, you have no equipment but your own index fingers. Test your reflexes as the Barcelona assistant dodges your attacks, and get the vindications you deserve for the role he played in embarrassing your team again!

The Altintop Locker Room – Need somewhere to store your bag? We provide complimentary lockers so you can enjoy the park with that peace of mind. Anything you don’t think you’ll need to use – however expensive – will fit, guaranteed!

The Petting Zoo – Something for young children. Our experts have scoured the globe for animals that embody the Madrid spirit. Pet the scaly, bug-eyed Ozil Chameleon and the hairy, buck-toothed Khedira llama, but if you only have time for one thing, make it the Sergio Ramos pony ride!

Galactico Ring Toss – Think about it: Do you really feel that adept tossing rings onto bottles? We’ve upped the challenge level and improved the reward at the same time. In the Galactico Ring Toss, we’ve set up rows of high-profile transfer targets. Stand behind the line, toss a ring, and if it lands around a player’s neck, you take him home!

Xabi Alonso Strength Test Game – If you want to win your girlie a prize, what better way to do it than grabbing a mallet and hitting the target? In the Xabi Alonso Strength Test Game, the goal is to swing as hard as you can. Don’t worry so much about accuracy or finesse. The harder you swing, the better you are!

Hall of Legends – Eye poking. Press conference boycotts. Leg stomps. Conspiracy theories. This is the Madrid we know and love, and it wouldn’t be what it is without a club of rich and notable history. Visit the Hall of Legends, where we tell the stories of the dignified and respectable players and managers of old. Closed for renovations.

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