We here at The Other 87 get a lot of fan mail, and until recently we’ve been nervously stuffing it in the freezer like Andy from Parks and Recreation. But now that we’re pretty certain our parents aren’t the only people following this blog (Hi honey!) we owe it to you, our readers, to answer the questions you thought only we could answer. I’m channeling Sally Field here…You like us! You really like us!
Okay, the truth is we don’t get any fan mail. But we’re not going to let that bother us. Instead, today’s feature is an exercise in self-delusion. We scoured all the search queries that led to our site and picked our absolute favorites (basically, anything that wasn’t a search for Ivan Drago or Fergie, not that there’s anything wrong with searching for Ivan Drago). While the names and places are fictionalized, each question below is an honest-to-God unedited Google referral.
Without further ado, the O87 Mailbag. Oh, and if you wanna email us questions in the future, hit us up at firstname.lastname@example.org.
What would the premiership table look like if games finished after 80min?
-Ezekiel Veinteicinco-Siebzehn, Mexico City
I don’t know, but if they finished after 90 minutes I’m pretty sure Manchester United would be in last.
Why did they not spot Messi’s talent in Argentina?
– Fernando Valenzuela, Los Angeles
Clearly they place too much importance on the physical nature of the game, promoting the biggest, strongest, fastest, hardest shooting kids over diminutive Leo, which is why Argentina will never get anywhere as a soccer nation, unless it’s because LeBron James didn’t play grow up playing soccer.
Ohh wait, that’s here. The truth is, Barcelona had better drugs.
Ibrahimovic Ronaldo Messi Neymar in one body?
– S. Valentin, Kiev
Kinky, aren’t we?
Heskey gets hit in face with ball
-W. Rooney, Manchester
I don’t really know, but we hope you found it, good sir.
What do some of the Hammurabi codes mean?
-Derek Filmont, Billings, Montana
We’re going to assume this is another poor lost school report soul. Lucky for you, we’ll answer your question anyway. Truth is, there’s kind of a lot of them, some 282 in total, though some are missing or wiped out on the tablet. Some which may particularly pertain to soccer include:
23. If the robber is not caught, then shall he who was robbed claim under oath the amount of his loss; then shall the community, and … on whose ground and territory and in whose domain it was compensate him for the goods stolen. They should look into this during the transfer window.
129. If a man’s wife be surprised (in flagrante delicto) with another man, both shall be tied and thrown into the water, but the husband may pardon his wife and the king his slaves. Sorry England’s Brave John Terry.
197. If he break another man’s bone, his bone shall be broken. Open season on Nigel de Jong.
239. If a man hire a sailor, he shall pay him six gur of corn per year. This would help with financial fair play requirements. I wonder what David Beckham made last year converted into gurs?
Messi + Xavi + Dani Alves = C. Ronaldo
-Ronald Christiansenson, Madrid
We’re not good at math, but we’re pretty sure you forgot to carry the two there.
A better question would be Messi : Xavi :: C. Ronaldo : ???. Don’t say Xabi Alonso.
How to draw Messi?
-Susie Derkins, On the map by the E in United States
Densely pack the center, ceding the flanks in favor of densely packing bodies in the box to intercept and clear any passes Dani Alves sends in from the right. Play with four midfielders to deny them the spaces they uses to build up tiki-taka momentum, kick Xavi in the ankles whenever he gets the ball, grow your grass out to where it looks like old Mr. McGregor’s lawn, and pray to Helenio, the Italian god of goalless draws.
Wait, somebody asked this last time? They meant a picture of Messi? Never mind then.
How does babby formed?
-Gerald Fitzsimmons, Topeka
Not sure. Go ask Kevin Prince Boateng.