The Tuesday Ten

You thought we’d let this year’s UCL Final pass by without commenting on it? Come on, you know us better than that. Bayern Munich spent most of the match on top, shooting (not) at Cech’s goal enough times that one was bound to sneak by. With yet another trophy for the Allianz Arena trophy cabinet within their grasp, Schweinsteiger and co. laid a major egg. Today, we ponder 10 punishments that Jupp Heynckes could have doled out to his squad after the match, a la Gordon Bombay in D2: Mighty Ducks. Think of it as sort of mild lex taliones.

1. Full pitch suicides, one for each missed penalty. Robben, Olic, and Schweinsteiger each run twice as many.

2. An hour of plyometric training for each centimeter of space between Jerome Boateng and Didier Drogba for the goal he scored to tie the match.

3. Standing blindfolded in the center circle, hooked up to a low voltage shocker device, each player will need to independently recite the full squad and coach of Bayern Munich, spelling each one correctly. For each wrong letter, a shock.

4. Manuel Neuer is allowed an hour of no-holes barred penalty kick practice with each outfield player blindfolded in goal.

5. Each outfield player must stare at Franck Ribery’s face for an entire minute without blinking or crying.

6. The entire squad must work together to write, produce, film and star in their own version of Call Me Maybe.

7. Robben, Olic, and Schweinsteiger must sit through a penalty-taking clinic led by Sepp Blatter for as long as Sepp sees fit.

8. For each of the 34 shots that didn’t find the goal, each starter and sub must do 34 favors for Jens Lehmann. These can be anything (literally anything) Jens asks them to do.

9. Mandatory team runs at 6:00a every Saturday morning until Bayern makes another UCL Final. Muller and Neuer can opt to drive behind the team with megaphones.

10. Robben, Olic, and Schweinsteiger must each personally explain to Angela Merkel why she had to face David Cameron after the match and contribute to the most hilarious viral photo of the entire UCL experience. Then they must allow Justin Bieber to post Youtube videos of him scoring penalty kicks on each of them to promote his new music video, Boyfriend.

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1 Response to The Tuesday Ten

  1. Alex says:

    My god I wouldn’t wish any of those punishments even on my worst enemies

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