On July 29th, 2011, the USSF hired Jurgen Klinsmann to coach the USMNT. Less than a year after that, the USMNT beat Italy for the first time in it’s history. Four months after that, the US beats Scotland 5-1. What’s next? A 10-1 win over Brazil? Admission into the Eurozone and automatic qualification into the European Championships? On the heels of the US’s admittedly impressive win over Scotland, we give you the next 10 evolutionary steps in the USMNT’s road to World Cup glory…
2. After Germany bombs out of the Euro 2012 tournament thanks to group stage losses to Holland and Portugal, Jurgen throws his old friend Jogi a bone by naming him his right hand man and director of German operations. The tactical leaps actually stick.
3. Jurgen leads the U.S. to their first-ever win in the Estadio Azteca, then stands triumphant with arms outstretched on the sidelines in a shower of batteries, beer and bags of urine.
4. Jurgen convinces Wayne Rooney that he is a long lost son of Andy Rooney and, in a fit of new-found patriotism, Rooney decides to get his American citizenship. Klinsmann then convinces Sepp Blatter to make an exception with that whole cap-tied rule.
5. After a four-hour, life affirming chat with the Klinsmann, LeBron James announces his retirement from basketball in order to fulfill his childhood dream of representing his country at the World Cup. He doesn’t make the team.
6. Timmy Chandler comes crawling back for his U.S. eligibility, only to be offered a spot on the futsal team as “Iron Man” Steve Cherundolo expresses his commitment to play through 2018.
8. Barack Obama releases a campaign ad so powerful and inspiring, using highlights from our 5-1 win over Scotland, that Sepp Blatter breaks down, admits every single corrupt act he’s ever committed during his FIFA reign (in an 8-hour long Youtube video), and post facto awards the U.S. the 2022 World Cup.
9. We ascend the FIFA ranking ladder, cresting around #5 in the world. Sepp Blatter, however, in his new-found sincerity, outs the FIFA rankings for a sham and creates a much more logical ranking system. The US dips back down to #20.
10. ESPN decides to up it’s soccer coverage from .127% of every Sportscenter to 2% of every Sportscenter. As the untapped potential of soccer lovers in America everywhere begins to flow into ESPN’s ratings, making it the most watched show in every time slot on TV, the channel decides to buy the rights to every USMNT match until 2100.