Last week after the U.S. National Team’s 5-1 thumping of Scotland, we brought you a list of the next ten steps on the Nats’ path to World Cup glory. This week, after a 4-1 loss to Brazil and a 0-0 draw with Canada, the mood’s considerably more dour, so much so that we’re pondering the unthinkable: What will happen if the U.S. fails to qualify for the 2014 World Cup? Here are ten steps we imagine the country and program might take if Clint, Timmy and Landon end up watching the action in Brazil from home.
An emergency vote of the U.S. Soccer Federation strips Sunil Gulati of his power, installing Eric Wynalda as Supreme Chancellor. He immediately declares himself Emperor, and builds an entire alternative professional soccer league with an August to May schedule featuring nothing but players who are clones of himself and Joe-Max Moore. A coalition of opposition groups is formed. Alexi Lalas is installed as Red Leader. Michael Bradley’s new son is spirited away and hidden from the Emperor, conveniently enough in La Masia.
- The powers that be react violently to the failed experiment of possession football dandyism by hiring Big Sam Allardyce as Klinsmann’s replacement.
- The powers that be react violently to the failed experiment of possession football dandyism by hiring Bill Parcells as Klinsmann’s replacement.
- Mexican fans decide we’re not even worth hating anymore, and save their throwing arms for tougher competition like Canada.
- The President authorizes an elite strike team consisting of Harrison Ford, Sylvester Stallone and Clint Eastwood to locate and terminate Timmy Chandler with extreme prejudice. Conveniently enough, With Extreme Prejudice will also be the title of the film based on the true story of their mission, starring Kiefer Sutherland, Jeremy Renner and Shia LeBeouf. Ian McDiarmid will play Chandler.
- Tim Howard spends his REM sleep hours shouting and violently gesturing at incompetent defenders for the rest of his life.
- A couple of people kind of want to blame it on Bob Bradley, but that stuff he’s doing in Egypt is too heart-warming to let them.
- The U.S. military forces all personnel scheduled to be stationed in Germany to take a vow of celibacy.
- Some of the less-dedicated members of supporters groups nationwide take up screaming and singing at baseball games instead. They have to repeat their 45 minutes of material five times to make it through their first game.
- The American Outlaws’ Official Place of Strategery Services is founded (Motto: Never Again), with the goal of inserting moles into FIFA to obtain evidence of Qatari bribes and force the Federation to move the 2022 tournament to the United States. Failing that, the AOOSS begins developing plans to sabotage Qatar’s stadia and air conditioning units.