With Fabian Johnson and Jose Torres questionable and Edgar Castillo out for tonight’s USMNT match against Guatemala, the situation in the back for the USA is looking pretty grim. Thankfully, we’re here with ten alternate left back suggestions for Jurgen Klinsmann, none of which involve Oguchi Onyewu going anywhere near the field of play.
1. A turnstile – At least attackers would have to go through one at a time.
2. James Harden – Credit to the Shin Guardian for throwing the name of this natural lefty into the mix on Twitter a couple of weeks ago. Some might say he’s got other things to do Tuesday night, but we’re sure his sense of patriotism would prevail upon him to come help out the U.S.A.
3. Jonathan Quick – At least the LA Kings goalie is definitely free on Tuesday, and is apparently pretty good at not letting people by him. Also has a fantastic name. I would buy a jersey with “QUICK” on the back, if only for the false advertising purposes.
4. Andriy Shevchenko – Maybe we can swing a trade for him and convince him to switch positions, now that his career is over and he’s been reduced to being a bit player in an overmatched Ukraine side who will be going home nearly immediately from their own tournament.
5. One of these guys –
Or we could just skip the process of trying to recruit them and have Jermaine Jones do it.
6. Don Draper – I keep hearing that the old Don Draper is back now. Let’s see him prove it on the field.
7. A tree stump – No, really, it might trip a Guatemalan trying to go down that side. I swear there’s a Peanuts strip or TV special or something where Lucy drafts a stump sitting in foul territory over Charlie Brown, puts a glove on it, and the stump ends up catching a foul pop-up, but I can find no evidence of its existence. What good are you to me, Internet?
8. Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man – How about Sony up the cross-promotional ante by loaning the wall-crawler to the Red, White and Blue for a match?
9. An Engineer – Would have been nice if Prometheus’ alien master race had genetically crafted us a decent left-footed back-up while they were working on humanity.
10. Eric Lichaj – Nah…