Summertime means wedding season, and so to commemorate we’ve brought you a pair of teams representing the Misters and Missuses (and Misses. And Ms.es) you’re spending all your vacation days to go celebrate with:
GK – Mr. Clean – Keeps the scoreboard spic and span with his tidy performances.
LB – Mr. Bean – Our bumbling left back tends to save goals without knowing much about them.
RCB – Mr. Rogers – May appear to be a more gentle, cerebral type of player than his counterpart, but if you cross him, he’ll cut you down so fast you’ll think you’re in Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood. http://www.hulu.com/watch/4189/
RB – Mr. Roboto – Crosses with uncanny, nearly mechanical accuracy. Our forward players make sure to thank him profusely each time he provides them with an assist.
CDM – Mr. Hyde – Normal rules of the game and human decency don’t apply to this brutal hardman in the center of the pitch.
LCM – Mr. Sandman – His rhythmic passing lulls opponents into a false sense of security, allowing him to catch them napping with his sudden forays into the attack.
LW – Mr. Wizard – He’s got his position down to a science, constantly inventing chances for himself and others.
RW – Mr. Mxyzptlk – With his god-like powers, Superman’s fifth-dimensional foe could score each time down the pitch, but he much prefers using them to make his opponents look ridiculous.
CF – Mr. Incredible – He may be playing himself back into shape through the course of the season, but his physical power up top complements the brains sitting behind him and on either flank.
And now the ladies:
GK – Mrs. Claus – Holds down the fort at home while the others are off trying to deliver the ball into the back of the net.
LB – Mrs. O’Leary – We signed her to the team before we realized it was her cow that had the barn-burner of a leg.
CB – Little Miss Muffet – Grew up to be big and strong thanks to all that curds and whey, and performs admirably on the field as long as she doesn’t run into any spiders.
RB – Ms. Marvel – Reduced to a supporting role on this team too just as in the Marvel Universe, despite the fact that she’s basically Superman-lite.
LCDM – Ms. Jackson – As a midfield enforcer, she is for real, and only rarely has to resort to doing things like having the boys come from her neighborhood to the studio trying to fight the other team.
CDM – Mrs. Doubtfire – “She” provides a physical, if somewhat manic, presence in midfield.
RCDM – Miss America – Comes out of the tunnel like this, every single time:
Trequartista – Mrs. Robinson – Strolls around the grounds feeling completely at home, tempting opposing players with and drawing them to her before helping her teammates help themselves with sumptuous set-up passes.
LCF – Little Miss Sunshine – She may be a little young, and we know she didn’t actually win the contest, but she’s got the moves to put defenders on their asses, or at least laughing them off.
RCF – Miss Manners – Always in the right place at the right time, with the right touches for the right situations to get the ball on goal.