The Tuesday XI: All-Star Edition


In honor of tomorrow’s MLS All-Star Game, we bring you perhaps our most star-laden team yet:

GK – Ringo Starr – Sets the rhythm in the back, allowing our creative geniuses to take the credit further forward.

LB – Starman – This alien life form may look like Jeff Bridges, but he can work miracles on the pitch.

SW– Starman – This otherworldly creature blows the minds of friends and foes alike with his defensive abilities, just like David Bowie said.

RB – Starman – The DC hero’s ability to control gravity helps him rise above attackers to make clearances, or bring hard shots suddenly crashing down to earth.

Regista – Bart Starr – This on-field quarterback delivers pinpoint long-range passes right to the feet of our forwards.

LCM – Patrick Star – SpongeBob’s starfish pal makes up for his lack of soccer intelligence – he doesn’t have a brain, after all – with his energy and enthusiasm.

RCM – Mary Katherine Gallagher – After a couple of false starts in the worlds of music and dance, the former Catholic schoolgirl finally found a venue in which she could be a…wait for it…Superstar!

CAM – Clarice Starling – Uses her wits and bravery to pursue chances that might grant her and her team a lead.

LW – Ziggy Stardust – Plays it left-hand, and while he may occasionally take it too far, this special man is still the nazz.

CF – Lone Starr – His career may have faltered when the referees wouldn’t allow him to play with his power ring, but he got back on track once he realized that his Schwartz was inside of him all along.

RW – Star Fox – Does a barrel roll.

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