It’s the most wonderful time of year: transfer season! Here at The Other 87, we don’t peddle in rumors or speculation. If we say it’s going to happen in the two and a half weeks before the window closes, then you know it will come to pass, and if it doesn’t then it’s the real world that’s to blame. Like another famous publication I can think of, The Other 87 is definitive, it’s reality that’s frequently inaccurate. Here are ten definitive pronouncements as to how the transfer market will play out.
1. After wasting $1.50 in quarters, Eintracht Frankfurt finally get a solid grip on Carlos Bocanegra with the coin-op claw machine and get him all the way to the prize chute.
2. After offloading Jack Rodwell for a cool 15 million to Manchester City, Everton sells Leighton Baines to United for 75 pounds of food, 15 boxes of bullets, and a spare wagon tongue, thus ensuring their continued financial survival for at least another month, as long as the hunting is good.
3. Chelsea calls dibs on Zlatan Ibrahimovic in two years, narrowly beating City to the mark.
4. Sotiris Ninis leaves Parma for whichever team I happen to be running in Football Manager at that time, where he finally lives up to expectations.
5. Real Madrid puts up posters offering Nuri Sahin and Kaka to anyone who captures and brings them known fugitive Luka Modric alive, no questions asked. The reward is collected by a black-hatted, grizzled campaigner who asks to be known only as “Big Sam.”
6. Robin van Persie is sold to United, where in his first game he accidentally tries to occupy the same space as Wayne Rooney, leading to a violent collision and knocking them both out for the season.
7. Despite a major setback earlier in the summer when his first attempt was discovered on the Fourth of July, Clint Dempsey manages to tunnel his way out of Fulham. He escapes into the surrounding forests, but Moussa Dembele’s steamer trunk trips up the Belgian and brings the guards down before anyone else can escape.
8. Paris Saint Germain call up David Bowie to ask for the number of the man who sold the world, and whether he’s got another he’d be willing to part with.
9. The Houston Dynamo nearly capture Peter Crouch in their exchange for Geoff Cameron, but unfortunately L.A. already had discovery rights on his wife and a deal couldn’t be worked out.
10. Lionel Messi holds a press conference to announce that he’s actually quite happy at Barcelona and won’t be looking to move anytime soon, thanks for asking.