We forgot to run this squad of 80’s action heroes last month when the Expendables sequel hit theaters. Luckily, if the movie proves one thing, it’s that it’s never too late to get these has-beens out on the field of play. Here we’ve lined them up in a suitably old-fashioned W-M formation, just as God and Herbert Chapman intended.
And before you can ask, we didn’t forget Indiana Jones. It was just too much awesome for one team at one time.
GK – James Dalton – There’s no one better to protect the net than Patrick Swayze’s Ph.D.-packing bouncer from Road House. Like all goalie’s, he’s equal parts Zen and completely insane.
LCB – Ivan Drago – Sure he’s a towering presence and impossibly strong, but did you know he could do this?
CB – Apollo Creed – The Count of Monte Fisto uses his excellent communication abilities to marshal the two bruisers on either side of him and his superior foot speed to clean up their mistakes.
RCB – Clubber Lang – We’ve got one prediction for opposing forwards facing off against Clubber: Pain.
LDM – John McClane – There’s no one better at single-handedly disrupting the best-laid plans of German terrorist robbers, rogue Marines, or opposing playmakers.
RDM – Frank Dux – Sure he uses the same move over and over both to score goals and make clearances, by who’s complaining when it works so well?
LAM – John Rambo – Makes sure this squad’s never outgunned going forward.
RAM – James Tiberius Kirk – Sure he’s a little old, even for this group, but someone has to captain this merry band of lone wolves and I work alone-rs together, and Kirk did good work in the 80s, at least every other game.
CF – Major Alan “Dutch” Schafer – A classic, hulking target forward, Dutch is a natural leader who works to get others involved and has a Predator’s instinct for poaching goals.
RW – “Mad” Max Rockatansky – Outpaces and outmuscles defenders when he does have the ball, but is also a master of the dummy run to draw attention away from the real threat.