Today we celebrate the return of the school year by thinking of the children. Not just any children, but badass ones – the kids we all wanted to be when we grew up. Some of them might have aged and become either a best-selling author/religious cult leader or a 41-year-old pinch runner or Batman (briefly) or Robin Williams, but each of them did their best work in their childhood or early teenage years.
(We wanted to include Calvin on the team, but we couldn’t interest him in the idea of organized sports.)
GK – Sloth – Our net-minder is the biggest kid of all from one of the biggest kid movies of all. Physically imposing and impossibly strong, he rallies his defense with his trademark cry:
LB – Tom Sawyer – By the time he’s done with them, opposing forwards will be convinced it’s in their best interests to score into their own goal.
LCB – Encyclopedia Brown – In the heat of the moment, no one can tell just how he manages to save the day (and a sure goal) by exploiting an opponent’s mistake, but when he explains it in the locker room afterwards it always seems glaringly obvious.
I will not give them a legitimate and very painful reason to fall down.
I will not give them a legitimate and very painful reason to fall down. I will not give them a legitimate and very painful reason to fall down. I will not give them a legitimate and very painful reason to fall down.
RCB – Bart Simpson – Opposing personalities balance one another out in our back line. Bart was once banned for six games for blindsiding an opponent who was free on goal with a skateboard.
RB – Huckleberry Finn – Idle, lawless, vulgar and bad, he nonetheless always seems to stumble into the right play.
LCDM – Ender Wiggin – No matter how inventive your playmaker’s moment of brilliance may be, he’s already anticipated and defeated it. The enemy’s gate is down.
RCDM – Dick Grayson – Sure he’s moved on from his Robin days, and been replaced by somewhere between four and eleven different people, but he’s got loads of experience working next to someone who knows everything the enemy is going to do.
LW – Edgar Frog – More tools and harebrained schemes than anyone else on the field. Particularly loves going up against teams that aim to suck the life out of a game.
No all-time team of “What if this or that American athlete had played soccer?” is complete without Benjamin Franklin Rodriguez.
CAM – Benny the Jet Rodriguez – Strong and fast. He can score seemingly at will, hits passes hundreds of feet that drop in beautifully right where he was aiming, and always comes through in the clutch. Benny’s so great I just spent ten minutes browsing for PF Flyers to buy.
RW – Short Round – More moves and harebrained schemes than anyone else on the field. Particularly loves going up against teams that aim to rip the life out of a game.
CF – Peter Pan – Dominant in the air when he’s not chasing shadows in his efforts to get through the opposing defense.
The Other 87 