The Tuesday Ten: Settling This Like Men Edition

Being Americans, we’ve been hearing a lot recently, albeit tangentially, about some kinds of debates or something that have been going on around these parts. Here at The Other 87, we’re not much for talking out our differences. It sounds kind of boring to be honest, and that’s why we settle editorial disagreements via a complex system that combines tic-tac-toe and the Joust event from American Gladiators.

With that in mind (somewhere towards the back, tucked between the bits that are trying to work out the seeding possibilities in the Eastern Conference and those that are wondering what’s for dinner tonight) we present to you ten hot topics in the world of soccer, along with the methods by which we’d like them to be settled.

Looks like someone’s been practicing.

1. Who’s the better player, Neymar or Messi? 
Pele and Maradona will debate this over the course of 15 rounds of three minutes each. Bare-knuckle.

2. Who should have hosted the 2022 World Cup, Qatar or the USA? 
We’ll settle this with a two-on-two match between celebrity sponsors of the bids: Pep Guardiola and Zinedine Zidane vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Spike Lee. Ohh well.

3. Who will win the World Cup in 2014, Spain or the field? 
Spain selects Xavi as its spiritual and philosophical champion. Unfortunately, the contest is arm-wrestling, and the field’s contender is Brazil’s Hulk.

4. Who is hotter is more famous, Alex Morgan or Hope Solo? 
Whoever can devise a shorter chain linking them to Kevin Bacon wins.

5. Who is hotter was the bigger catch for their adopted league, David Beckham or Alessandro Del Piero? 
Only one option here: A walk-off, judged by David Bowie.

6. The short-passing, possession style vs. a direct, long-ball game? 
Johan Cruyff and the ghost of Charles Reep will have a staring contest. This one could take a while.

7. Who’s the best US midfielder? Michael Bradley vs. the Field
They’ll play king of the hill on the tallest, rustiest jungle gym we can find.

Error. Error.

8. Who’s had a better career? Frank Lampard or Steven Gerrard? 
We were going to let the men themselves decide this with a good, old-fashioned game of FIFA, but we only brought one controller, so they couldn’t play together.

9. Financial fair play laws vs. the status quo
We’ll decide this by entering Karl Marx and Rich Uncle Pennybags into the World Beard and Mustache Championships.

10. Who’s the better talking head: Eric Wynalda or Alexi Lalas? 
Alright, maybe we will let them talk this one out. But in a small padded room, far from any cameras or microphones, until they come to an agreement for themselves.

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