The Tuesday Ten: Playoffs? We’re Talking About Playoffs? Edition

Today’s Tuesday Ten offers you ten quick-hitting predictions for the MLS Cup playoffs.

Eastern Conference

1. Sporting KC – Kei Kamara and C.J. Sapong will celebrate the MLS Cup-winning goal by recreating the entire six-minute Evolution of Dance, then immediately announce their retirement.

2. DC United – In the second leg in New York, Dwayne de Rosario will limp onto the field, score with his first two touches, and inspire his team to victory, Willis Reed-style.

In here, Kenny goes just where I tell him to.

3. New York Red Bulls – The D.C. leg of the Red Bulls-United tie will be called off when La Barra Brava supporters bombard Thierry Henry with Playstation controllers as he prepares to take a corner kick. Henry, undeterred, tries to plug one into Kenny Cooper to see if it will work.

4. Chicago Fire – Sherjill McDonald will score three straight goals for the Fire, then have his next shot burn Tally Hall’s hands off before setting the net ablaze.

5. Houston Dynamo –  Houston may score from a set piece.

Western Conference

6. San Jose Earthquakes – San Jose won’t bother traveling to L.A. or Vancouver for the first leg of their semifinal, figuring they were just going to leave it til late anyway.

7. Real Salt Lake – Desperate for a full-strength back line in the face of Seattle’s potent strikeforce, Jason Kreis will have the RSL medical staff scrap the injured Jamison Olave and Chris Schuler and reuse the parts to build a single healthy central defender to pair with Nat Borchers.

You are getting sleepy…you are not about to take the field in the playoffs where you always underachieve…

8. Seattle Sounders – Sigi Schmid will hire a hypnotist to convince Eddie Johnson and Fredy Montero that they’re playing in the Open Cup semi-final, not the playoffs.

9. L.A. Galaxy – The remaining parts from the Olave-Schuler infusion will be traded for allocation money to L.A., where they’re reassembled into broken-footed, hamstring-tweaked defender who can play alongside Omar Gonzalez while A.J. De La Garza recovers.

10. Vancouver Whitecaps – Much to the disappointment of Jay DeMerit’s mullet, Vancouver probably won’t win the Cup.

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